the four lettered word

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D3929EA4-8E2F-40D5-AA9D-B56717582A05

Written on October 28, 2018

why am I writing again so soon? Here’s why…. I saw this quote on a page on Instagram that I follow…. usually I just scroll through, but no not today. I sat there and stared at it for quite a while.

I looked and knew there was a reason I wouldn’t take my eyes off of it.

The quote is : “people are afraid of being alone in the dark… because they feel they aren’t actually alone.”

Alright you might be saying… uhh really? this makes no sense. but don’t worry there is a meaning…. just be patient with me.

I looked at this quote and then it hit me. This four lettered word that is used so commonly. FEAR. YES FEAR. It traps us in a world of idol ness. it makes you go insane. it saves lives and it can break someone in half.

Fear is used as a safety net. What’s a safety net? a safety net is your first instinct. Fear also is used as a routine. Am I right?

When we are lost and not in our normal selves’ state of mind we forget who we are. At least I did. We give up. We forget what it is like to fight.

People do not even know who their own selves are because they are filled with fear. Fear is the devil, the lakes of Fire, the monster in each of us. It overtakes our lives. Our minds.

The question is… are you living in fear? I sit there and look at Sadie Robertson and wish I was as FEARLESS as her. I wish I could be as bold as her. Not let anything bother me.

But it doesn’t mean she doesn’t have struggles also. Cause trust me we all do. I just admire her for her grace.

We live in a world where the society does what they want. They don’t care about everyone’s feelings involved. They don’t care about spreading the gospel to help make this world a little better..Why? Because we are so afraid. Afraid of what people might think. What they might say. The looks we might get. We live in a world where it is okay to live in fear.

Admit it. It’s okay. None of us are fearless. But I just wonder how awesome and happy this world could be through God’s Grace and no fear.

So I have a challenge… when you feel as if you are lost. worried. afraid. alone. Which is completely OKAY!! Remember, you are in this sinful world for a reason. To CHANGE it. TO MAKE IT FEARLESS. You are more precious than rubies. You are perfect the way you are. You can do it. If we come together and quit living in fear. We might not change the world completely but every step is closer to where it needs to be.

You are fearless… if you allow yourself to be.

the TEMPORARY me

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AA039FC4-06AE-4357-877B-93DF1819551F

Written on October 28, 2018

okay so I’ve sat around and thought for some time if I should do this or not. but hear I go…. be prepared.

if you are reading this… you might wonder why in the world I’m doing this? like what is the point, you might ask?!

Well here we go. if you look in today’s society they can control your happiness.. if you let them. You might see a model, famous person, family friend… and wish you were as happy as they were? am I right?

well that was me. the temporary me. if you know me then you know I have went through a lot… but honestly if you aren’t in my family or a close friend… then you really honestly  do not know. I have always been that kid who stresses about everything (grades, friends, etc.). What I did not know is how extreme that could get.

On January 1, 2017… I made a New Years resolution. Oh yeah we know the mile thing? But no you do not. I said I would walk or jog a mile or more everyday for one whole year. I never missed a day. I could get home at 11:00pm- exhausted… but I wouldn’t mess it up. I was so proud of myself and loved doing it… so you might be asking what is the problem?

Well the problem is.. on January 1, 2018 I made another resolution that I would beat(I thought) … I would have abs and have the perfect body. I would be able to control my whole body and happiness and life. Yeah did you hear that word… CONTROL.

I started eating healthy and doing ab workouts and my mile. And no I did not miss a day. I slowly but surely thought if I ate less I would get more results. I became consumed. That was my life.

i no longer wanted to go eat at my favorite Mexican resturaunt or go to birthday parties(bc of the cake). I was completely miserable. I became anorexic. and I’m not just saying that. in May… I weighed 86 lbs and was 5’6. I stopped growing. I had no idea why I was so unhappy.

Heres why… I wanted to have that perfect body and control others minds of what they thought of me.. that I ended up being miserable in my own skin. I would not want to even leave the house bc of everywhere I went I got from people… YOU ARE TOO SKINNY. YOU NEED TO EAT A HAMBURGER. you have no idea what my mind is going through when I hear this. Usually I would be like yes I’m skinny… but instead it just got on my nerves. And the hamburger.. Control (my mind) would immediately tell me… don’t even think about having a hamburger…

my whole family shoved food in my face and they were just as depressed as I was. But I would not stop. I had abs. I thought if I just keep going I’ll find happiness and forever will be able to control peoples minds of me and myself s mind.

i saw a therapist every week. it helped so much. I finally realized I had a problem and that I looked like a skeleton. I would wake up at 4:30am  to get all my workouts in before school(bc I knew I wouldn’t be home till late), I would skip games to workout, I would be mentally & physically exhausted… BUT I WOULD NOT STOP.

So yeah I started going to a therapist. She helped me so much. I learned that God made me perfect in his own way and I should only try to please him. I still go monthly and to the nutritionist… and I am finally feeling like myself.

I wrote this to tell my story& to help others too. The society tells you that you have to be perfect and have the perfect body and never stop working out. They are wrong. All it matters is what makes you happy.. not control. not your friend. not the boy you like. YOU. GOD MADE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE. BE YOU. BE THAT LIGHT IN THIS DARK WORLD.