kenzi’s blog

the thoughts run high… the voices never stop. the annoying self doubt stays with you like a leach.

you try to shake the feeling but end up going further and further into the cycle. others don’t get it. you have to go through it to understand the complications and struggles within this disorder. family outings are no longer a gift but instead a punishment. watching tv is no longer a lazy day but instead a chore. eating is no longer a fuel for the body but instead your whole world.

Eating disorders develop over periods of time. I blame it on today’s society. The way we have such high expectations for everyone. These expectations cause the lost to become even more lost and the okay to become feeling worthless.

Fifteen years. That’s how long I’ve dealt with this eating disorder. Maybe not exactly that long. But basically my whole life I have. Just not to the extreme it has developed into.

Here’s how it happens:

1) we watch adults and friends diet and try to lose weight

2) we hear others complain about their weight causing us to think we are fat

3) we forget what it’s like to have a healthy relationship with our bodies

4) we try and fight the battle without help, which leads us further into the depths of this disorder

i remember the times I would sit and it would hurt so badly due to the lack of muscle missing. i remember the times when I would wake up at 4:00am to get a workout in, secretly, before my family would get up-because I knew they would say I’m too skinny and didn’t need to be working out. i remember the times when people would look at my 85 lbs self and tell me I’m too skinny and ashamed of myself, I would still take it as a compliment. I was blind. this illness/mind battle/lifestyle (whatever you may call it) causes you to become blind.

But there is one thing that I didn’t know when I was 85 lbs. My body still deserves love. I’m not the one to blame. And i one day will feel better and be healed. So I’m saying this to you- I didn’t write this for everyone to be shocked and feel bad about this post. I didn’t write this for everyone to be informed what an eating disorder is. I wrote this for All of you who is struggling right now. Don’t give in to the depths of this disorder. Don’t hate your self. Don’t blame yourself. I’m right there with you and I get it feels nearly impossible to be healed. It feels impossible to have good days. But eventually your time will come when you feel as if you finally can breathe. Just don’t surrender to this cycle. Because once you do… you will have to repeat everything all over again. And it’s not worth it. You deserve to enjoy your life instead of being a slave to food and control. Instead… take control of your life. You can do this. don’t look back… darling, if you do, you will fall. look forward towards recovery. it’s calling your name.

hey friends!!! it’s been a while!

i am writing this to you as I travel back from Colorado to Kansas to see my family.

IT’S THANKSGIVING BREAK!!! HOW EXCITING IS THAT?!! A break from school, work, a week to just chill!

Today has been a super busy day for me though. I realized skiing is not as easy as the Pro’s make it look😉 but after falling a gazillion times, and getting a snow mobile to bring me to the bunny slopes… I mastered it. (I think😜)!

With a break from school and traveling out of state to see family, it’s exciting. But also, kinda nerve racking for me.

The first thing you think of with Thanksgiving is food. All the junk food and pies and turkey and dressing. Everything that is so hard for me to eat😅

I still have so much weight to gain. So you would think it would be easy to just smash as much as I can on these junk foods to help the scales rise. But that comes with a lot of free-will. Something I tend to not give myself a lot.

as spontaneous and last minute as this trip was, it made my planning-self anxious. the time was rushed to pack and control had the perfect time to take over.

although the packing and getting to Denver wasn’t hard, the food kinda has been for me. I’m in such a difficult, mixed-emotions point in my life. One moment I’m down with stuffing my face full of pizza and the other moment I’m in complete regret and restricting myself of everything I place in my mouth. It’s complicated… it’s just my mind. It’s wired so differently.

today I know I burned so many calories, yet when I ate more than was required(in my head), the immediate emotion sunk in. Regret. Fear. Stress.

It’s hard to deal with because it is hard to control it for me, since I’m so bound in being controlled. On this trip, I didn’t have a chance to really get prepared.

It’s hard when I go somewhere and I don’t have a safety net with me. (Or in other words, something I love that makes me feel safe).

Usually my safety net is healthy food, exercise, and/or routine.

You might say this…”well you really have all 3 with you.” And yes you are right, but it’s not like that. It’s complicated. I’m not able to just start cooking or go for a jog and I’m definitely not in any sort of routine this week. This causes me to stress. I’ve even been stressing about when I can get to Walmart because I’m so nervous of what food will be at my family’s house(will it be healthy??) crazy right?! I know. But it’s my mind and God made me this way for a reason.

i was writing in my journal and I realized something. So these past few mornings I’ve been so anxious to wake up(causing me to barely get sleep) so I could make my breakfast. It’s been weird. It’s not like the breakfast is going anywhere😂but it’s just a feeling I can’t seem to shed. But I have realized it. It’s control trying to bring me to my safety net. It’s missing the routine. I get it, but it still doesn’t change the fact that it’s not helping me, but instead hurting me.

This is where I come to the decision. I either keep on keeping on and everyday, pray about it and try to change the fearful thoughts into fearless thoughts… or I give up. I stop time. I decide to just let control take me back into the cycle. The eat less/exercise more/stress more cycle. The one that led me to be 85 lbs last year. The cycle that hurt me and my family and almost cost me my life.

No thought should be worth more than my happiness. Today I skied, and failed many times. But I didn’t give up. And that is one thing that will not change either. I will not repeat the cycle. I will not let control win. I will never stop trying to get to the end of this road called recovery. It’s the only way we survive.

A lot of us think the easy path is the best path. But if I would have chose the easy path, I wouldn’t be where I am today. The harder path takes so much longer… but is so much better in the end.

So if y’all don’t mind… pray for me. I need prayers everyday to help gain control of my body again. But let’s be legit, God is the number one controller. We are just his sidekicks😜

I pray everyone chooses to spend this week in whatever way that brings them joy and glory to God.

This year, I am thankful for where I am at this exact moment in my life. These struggles. Because each struggle is one step closer to getting my life back… and what’s more amazing than that? 🤩

Choose to see the good. Be thankful. And don’t ever give up. That is one thing you won’t regret.

hey everyone, I haven’t wrote in a while.. and I wanted to give y’all an update.

these last few moments, there’s been some pretty exciting changes in my life…

i went to the nutritionist and I was told if I changed my eating habits(more carbs) … we would talk about getting to work out.

You might ask why in the world I would want to work out and go back there? Why would I want to put myself through that again? “If you’re supposed to be gaining weight, then eat all the time and don’t burn off those calories and there ya go”. But I am not like everyone else. Working out/healthy food has become a huge part of my life. If you take it away, it’s like taking away My breath. And I’ll eventually run out of air without it. I love the active lifestyle. I’m not someone who enjoys laying in bed all morning and watching movies. I enjoy being on the go and staying busy. I enjoy routines.

to me it’s not going back… it means getting to enjoy that hobby and love I have for exercising and feeling toned. I’m weak. If you know me then you know I literally have no strength what so ever. That was never my intention though: to get weak and put my body through so much… my intention was to get toned and have that dream body and feel good about myself and live a healthier, active lifestyle.

But let’s be honest. Dream Bodies do not exist. There is no such thing. Regardless of how good you look, your mind will always point out at least one flaw on your skin.

So…. I’m trying. I’m trying to get back to the place where I am in a stable mindset and where I am finally in control of my life again. I went back to the nutritionist and I’m able to workout 3x a week. And I forgot how much I missed it. The sound of the treadmill. The high intensity ab workouts. I’ve missed it all. Because it’s my lifeline. But what I never realized was that when I eat more, i am more happy. I am more enjoyable with my family.

Getting to work out is gonna be amazing… it already is. But it’s so hard training my mind to “take a break, you don’t have to workout. Eat more so you can gain muscle” because I used to think that I had to eat less to see results from my workouts. But I literally was quite wrong. It’s the opposite.

I’m in the phase. The phase of thoughts all over the place, yet still improving in my health, but also having to retrain my thought-process and hold myself back from going full workout/obsessive mode.

as I look back at old pictures. I was a completely different human being. Before my battle with anorexia, and during it, and even now. I’m completely different. But I wouldn’t change this last year and a half for the world. Because I learn something new every single day about my life. I learn something new every single day about myself. I’ve learned how to truly care for others. How to love others, because you don’t know what others go through behind closed doors. And I’ve learned how to grasp for air-when I feel like there is no more to breathe in.

God didn’t punish me with this battle, even tho it seems worse than a punishment at times. Yet, he blessed me with it. He blesses me on the wonderful therapy sessions, when I feel I have my whole life together. And he also blesses me on the days I’m crying in doctors’ offices and feeling completely lost and ashamed of my own skin.

Because without control, health, or Him… I would be nothing.

And i wasn’t meant to be wasted space on this earth. I was meant to change the world, just like all of you. Don’t give up on yourself, all of your struggles are leading up to one amazing testimony.

happy August everyone!!!

I’m reflecting on this past summer. from the many vacations, spur of the moment sonic runs, and mostly spending time with my friends… it couldn’t have been better.

here lately, I have been doing great and life has been going so perfect. but then also sometimes I have those days where I feel like I could win the lottery and I still wouldn’t be happy enough.

my mind is a mess at times- all over the place. i struggle so much with self-love and trying to please everyone.

it is so hard trying to change my mindset. trying to re-wire my mind. stepping out of my comfort zone and trying new foods, not working out as much, and staying out later…

it’s all hard. It’s frustrating at times, but I never would have thought how happy it could make me.

when recovering from an eating disorder, anxiety, or any of that… it’s scary. You are so used to having that image that you become comfortable with.. your body image- which causes you not to want to change it. It makes you fear having to change what you “worked for” for so long.

looking back from last summer to this summer. I am amazed.

Last summer, I barely left my house. I hated leaving my room. I never invited friends over because when inviting friends over, i expect staying up late, binge-eating and the anxiety begins. I hated sitting down, because when sitting down, it caused my back and tailbone to hurt so badly that it was just easier to stand at times. I was miserable. I was at the beginning of a battle that I had no idea how to recover from.

At times, it was easier to quit. I wanted to. I wanted to just give up on trying to get back to my REAL SELF. but I didn’t.

I never thought that I would ever get to a point in my life again where I would want to go out and get ice cream or want to spend the night at a friend’s house. I didn’t think I would ever be able to enjoy eating, or working out… without it being a worry constantly.

This summer. It was a dream. I feel nothing but gratitude to my family and friends for helping me get where I am.

I still no doubt-constantly stress about something, worry about eating something unhealthy or if I will get a workout in… BUT LOOK AT THE PROGRESS A YEAR HAS MADE.

I am choosing to look on the brighter side. The happier side.

And I challenge you all. When reflecting on the past, pick the happy moments to look back on. Life is not perfect. It’s not supposed to be. But if you are struggling to find that pure happiness, like me most of the times, tell someone. Talk about your struggles with your friends. Pray about it. You will get through this hard time… most importantly, don’t give up!! Because in another year, you will be so proud of your progress and it will only make you want to achieve many more goals.

i had no intentions on doing a blog today. i haven’t done one in a while, but at this moment, today I felt something heavy on my heart that I want to share with you all.

this life. wow. it’s messy, annoying, confusing, hateful, but also really beautiful and amazing at times.

As I was walking on our runway this afternoon… trying to clear my head from all my thoughts. i just stopped walking. I was listening to the song, “Bring the Rain” and wow.

This feeling came over me, like no other. Today I have felt kinda down, just for some personal reasons. But this song came on and I just immediately started praying. I prayed for a miracle for this world. For comfort for some of my family going through hard times. For myself and my health issues. For everything I could think of.

Then I came back inside and I found this quote. It hit me. God listens to us even in our darkest moments. Even when we don’t feel him, he is always there.

If you’re like me, you doubt yourself a ton. But this saying, just proves to me that if I surrender my fear and control to God.. and let him take over, everything will end up okay in the end.

So if you are having a bad day. A bad week. Or you just don’t understand why such sad things keep happening to you, your family and friends… remember that God gives us that courage in our hearts to get through everything we don’t think we can make it through.

I pray for you all. I pray for this world to find peace in God’s word. I pray we all trust in God to bring us through the hard times… and thank him for the easy times. i hope you all find that light in your life to help you remember that you will survive whatever this life throws at you.

so haven’t wrote a lot about my personal life here lately, so I’ll spill the beans for y’all…

I’ve been doing pretty good since I came back from mfuge. I have noticed I’ve gotten back into a routine(which is nice for me) and I’ve noticed control hasn’t taken over that much. i feel as if I’m allowing myself to eat more than my old mentality would say is too much and I’m not regretting it so much. If ya don’t struggle with an eating disorder or have struggled with one then it can be complicated to understand… there is a voice in your head that makes you think less of your self and it wants to control every aspect of your life. it’s a hard battle to overcome but wow oh wow how amazing recovery feels.

I feel as if God puts these battles in our lives to help others who struggle with them and to make us also want to lean on him. I mean, he is the one who made us… so we all feel a little less crazy when we aren’t judged for the way we are… am I right?

Well that voice “control” doesn’t stop. And I feel sometimes that is what keeps me from keeping my eyes on the Lord.

Us human beings are so selfish with our time. We act as if we have time to do the things we want, yet we are too busy to give our time up and help someone who needs it. We never ever even consider reading a bible verse because “it will take too much of our tv time away”. And instead we devote our lives to worldly, unsatisfying things,

My biggest problem with devoting my time is when i am stressed, I don’t sit and eat tons of ice cream and watch tv, I do something. I either start cleaning, working out, cooking, something besides doing nothing. All of these things I listed are hobbies, I enjoy them, yet sometimes I’m not willing to give up my hobbies and spend time with God. I’m not willing to sit down and just pray and talk with God. I instead say “oh I’ll read the Bible tonight”, and I never do.

That’s what is wrong with our society. We are taught to be selfish with our time, instead of giving it up for the greater good.

So I challenge you all, let’s all grow closer to friends and family and to our one true savior… by devoting our time.

What if we all pitched in a little commitment to make this world not so bad? YOU are the only one who can change it. Don’t be selfish. Be the helpful, kind souls that this world needs to become a better place.

wow. One of the only words I can think of to describe this week. along with overwhelming, powerful, humble, and eye opening.

before going to fuge, i prayed to God that i would leave with that fire in my soul, but i also prayed that the fire would not die out. not only last just a week.

as i was standing tonight with my arms lifted high up in the air praising my wonderful God to the song “What a beautiful name”, i looked around and i noticed something. i realized that my prayer was answered. i am truly on fire for God.

I came across a man today. He was a Hebrew, and a very head-strong one to say the least. but as we were preaching to him and trying our best to bring all the glory to God and show him the one true desire… it hit me. how truly lost people in today’s age are.

We all think that everyone believes because we do, but we are completely wrong. We never know… because we never step out of our comfort zone and tell the word of God.

“I’m not skilled enough at talking to others!”

“I don’t know scripture enough to tell a complete stranger about it!”

you all. these are excuses. we will never succeed in this world if we don’t set our fears aside and follow our purpose in life.

This week, as I went from park to park, spreading God’s glory, i felt nothing but happiness, fulfillment, and it’s the most alive I have felt in a while.

As I was standing, I looked around. Everyone was broken… but they were on fire for God. They were raising their hands, kneeling at the alter, and last but definitely not least-they were being RESTORED.

it hit me. i am broken. i am a train wreck half the time. but God made me this way.

and i am truly thankful for this week and the fact that I am a daughter of the one TRUE king!!!

God, oh how i have longed to be this close to you and now that i am here… i pray i only grow closer to you and i pray i never leave your side. because wow. you are my one true desire.

^^my beautiful mom and granny that I am so thankful for. I hope everyone enjoys their Mother’s Day weekend❤️❤️❤️

I haven’t wrote in a few weeks so I figured why not…

sometimes I don’t really tell why I write. but today I figured I would fill y’all in. for a while I have been so happy I just can’t even describe it, but lately I have been stuck in this “blah” stage. like I don’t really know how to describe my feelings..

life will throw things at you that can make you feel this way.

life is meant to be perfect right? well that’s what we all think… but NO life is not always perfect. there will be those days when you are on cloud 9 and there are days when you feel like you will never be happy.

the problem is when we get in these “blah” stages we seem to change our minds around. things that would usually be okay… suddenly drive you crazy or eating a certain food that you would usually be proud to eat-suddenly makes you want to do 5 miles to burn it off.

our thoughts are hard to understand. but just because you don’t understand them doesn’t mean you are the crazy one.

life is so unpredictable and most of the time when you are in the “blah” stage, you usually feel as if you are alone.

well only if we knew that none of us are alone. Some people show their feelings and some people are more to theirselves with their feelings… but WE ALL FEEL.

God didn’t make us to keep our feelings to ourselves and he surely didn’t make us to feel “blah” all the time. Don’t let your feelings change your thoughts about yourself. You are more precious than gold and God made you to change the world. 😉

hey y’all, sorry I have been a slacker and haven’t wrote one of these in forever…

so I was laying in bed and I was thinking…do you ever think so much about the future that you forget to enjoy what is going on in your life right now?

this life can keep us on our toes…. I know it keeps me on mine for sure, but it never occurred to me how much your life can pass you by if you don’t just sit back and live in the moment.

my biggest problem here lately is that I always want to make sure everything is going as planned… but that’s not always how life is.

Love is so hard… it makes you feel things you have never felt before, and it is so unpredictable. Your friends are pretty unpredictable too. You never know if your best friend will still be there for you in 20+ years. Life is complicated.

It messes with your head… but it’s your choice rather you enjoy your life and how it is RIGHT NOW or if you waste your whole life on trying to organize the UNPREDICTABLE future.

GOD DIDN’T MAKE YOU TO BE PERFECT, HE MADE YOU TO BE YOU! if we knew God’s perfect plan he made for us, we would never come to him daily for help.

don’t let one future thought scare you from your true happiness that awaits you. it’s not worth it.

so y’all… i was writing in my journal(yes i keep a journal)… and i wanted to share this with you all.

i have been very happy lately. idk why, but I have been. i still am the on the go constantly, have controlled thoughts, and I still struggle with self love… but lately it’s like that voice in my head has taken a back seat.

There are a lot of ways to describe my mind. different, stressful, and confusing are just a few of them… but i like to describe it as one thing. A lottery ticket.

Yes I said a lottery ticket. I feel as if I never know if I’ll win- If today will be my lucky day, and I’ll find true happiness and be free of all the worry. Or if I will end up like 99.9% of the tickets and lose- and have the dreadful, miserable day.

God works in his mysterious ways. Yet we all try so hard to control our happiness. Your happiness will find you… if you let it. I pray that all of you give God the chance to work in your lives.

I have a challenge for you. buy the ticket. Choose to look on the brighter side and know that you are never alone in any of your struggles- mentally or physically.

God’s got your back and so do I!

and suddenly one day, without realizing it… you will be that winning ticket. and all your failures and rough times will be turned into success and happiness.