kenzi’s blog

Today was one of those days you wake up w anxiety & a feeling of discomfort. it’s okay to admit you have those days- everyone does. some just believe if they say it they seem weak. yet vulnerability is where a person matures & grows.

I attended the youth rally tonight in my county. with tons of friends who have a love for God, my heart was convicted. was I really pursuing the life and being the person God wants me to be? I find it a hard question to answer. And it being hard in general is proving me the answer. No I have not.

i lived three years of my life in a bubble. a bubble that was revolved around doctor appointments, tears from my parents behind closed doors, and constant reminders that I was sick. I missed out on those years. I personally grieve those years. I got used to the person I was during that time, I found comfort in her. during that time, I did not go anywhere hardly. I read tons of scripture and I was super close to God. he was all I had when my life completely fell apart.

but as you know, the sick girl erased. i am finally happy. enjoying life. but I’ve been getting constant reminders. Reminders that even though the sick girl erased, the faith in her should have remained. And sadly it didn’t. I struggle with faith, I am a worrier by nature and I love having everything planned out. but no one ever writes in stone that you lose things in recovery. it wasn’t mentioned in the “guidelines.”

I am learning how to live not just for me, but for God and his plan for me again. He’s been there at my worst and he deserves to be there at my best. I just have to give him my time.

I’m not proud to be far from God. But also I wouldn’t just say I’m far from God. I’m just trying to adjust to the new person I am. to the actual healthy human being I’ve grown into. it’s just hard when the voice in my head still is holding me back. the voice that brought me to my ED in the first place. it’s hard to let go when you have held on for so long.

I’m a people pleaser but I’ve been living to please everyone and I’ve forgotten about myself in the process. I’ve forgotten to please God. the king above all kings. I know you think you get it… but there’s a point to all of this.

what if every night you heard a groundbreaking sermon? you felt convicted? you actually fell in love with his word? imagine how much your life would look different.

everyone’s lives change. one moment you can be smiling under the stars and the next staring at a hospital ceiling fan. it’s not permanent. It’s a temporary home until we arrive at our eternal home. but don’t forget to thank God when it changes. change: bad or good is something to be thankful for.

we are living to please society. heck we are living to please Satan.

so when are we gonna make a stand. y’all there’s even shoes for Satan now?! Like come on.

change is needed for growth. but faith is needed for your walk in Christ.

give up the distractions. lean into him.

for he is good. overwhelming. reckless. just. jealous. almighty. unstoppable. everlasting. but above all- he is love.

now go change the world.

up tonight. my mind going a million different ways… not seeming to catch a second to breathe.

I sit here and think how crazy this world truly is. we get picked back up just to get brought back down. I wonder will there ever be a time we will just be standing. not getting knocked down.

I don’t know about any of you but to me, our town. Our county. Our country. None of it can catch a break. Us Christians. Everyone in this painful world deals with some kind of struggle.

mine here lately is comprehending why bad things happen to good people. I don’t get it and I truly don’t think I ever will fully understand it. Rather it’s death, tragedy, or even heartache- Good people always suffer.

I’m not writing this to bring the tone down. I’m writing this so that maybe we all will start focusing on how short life is and if we don’t take it seriously we might miss it. tomorrow isn’t promised. our days are numbered.

but I can’t help but think. maybe the reason bad things happen to good people is because the devil/sin doesn’t want to steal from the bad. from the unGodly souls.

we have a prize in our souls- HIM. JESUS. and a thief or not, if I didn’t have that kind of joy, I would want to steal it also.

so when you’re down. when you’re asking a million questions. know this- You are strong. You are worthy of his love. You are human.

you have a right to ask questions. you have a right to not understand. but show love. even to that person that you might think is unloveable. show love. everyone needs love during hard times and even good times- ALL THE TIME.

Keep your head up. there are better days ahead.

he comforts the weak. he humbles the strong.

as I sat down after a fun, quick vacation w my fav people.. I was catching up on all my tv shows I missed. I was watching Grey’s anatomy & it opened my eyes. (Not ab being a surgeon 😂) but how one of the characters died trying to save a victim of sex trafficking. he fought for change, even if it meant losing his life.

in this day in age, we are softened. we are scared to speak up. We change our beliefs for approval from the world. We change our morals to fit in. to be that “popular kid.” Only a few of us actually care enough to speak up.

I don’t speak up at times I should. I back down in times I should stand strong. Especially in my faith. I value the world’s opinion when it is wrong. When it’s filled with lies.

so here I am stating what I believe. in hopes that we will learn that standing up is the only way to save our country. to save humanity.

I believe that most people are good, but the few bad get valued and counted for everyone which is wrong. I believe that sin is a sin no matter how big or small. I believe that good people don’t get into heaven, saved people do, but you should want to be good if you’re a child of God. I believe in relationship over religion. I believe sex before marriage is wrong and you will gain so much more if you stay true to God’s purpose. I believe I am no better than anyone. I believe mental health matters and this world treats it like it’s a false attention seeker. I believe in Jesus. He’s the only way to save this abandoned, ruined world. I believe our world would be a lot better if we shifted our focus off of ourselves. I believe humanity could be a lot better.

so there’s my beliefs. maybe you agree, maybe you don’t. but the truth is. Whatever you believe in, you must fight for. fight to be the best version of yourself. because if you don’t, the world will capsize you. be the change you wish to see.

If faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains, why aren’t you moving planets?

Reshift your focus. The world is temporary. Jesus is eternal.

happy Valentine’s Day to all of you lovely people!!

it has been a hot minute since I’ve done a blog but I feel that this all needs to be expressed and brought to the surface today.

Often times(speaking for the single ladies & gents out there), this holiday is served as a reminder that you are “lonely” or still in the waiting. and this is okay!!! you’re feelings are valued.

This year, I have been hard on myself. I treat love like it has a time limit. I act like at 16 I’m supposed to have already met my soulmate. I act like it does not bother me at times but when push comes to shove, I want my happiness just like everyone does. I want to find my person. And I’m pretty impatient.

God hit me pretty hard today. Shined a light right on me and made me deal with my feelings I have been hiding. feelings of loneliness and frustration around this holiday. Questions of self worth.

So here’s a few tips I’ve come up with to maybe get you out of your holiday blues:

1. don’t settle: often times we all fall in love and we use phrases that end up hurting our mental state… like “if only I could have him I would be happy and never complain. It would be worth it. I would change for him. “ okay!!! No girl. God designed you for a reason… why would you change the beauty in yourself for a guy who does not understand the meaning of perfect love?

2. you cannot be happy mentally if you aren’t happy spiritually: God’s timing is always right. And I know.. trust me. I do have to say so myself he sets the clock for my love limit for a very long time. But do you ever think the reason you are trying so hard to be with that person (or different people every other day) is because you’re lost. you have no meaning and feel as if you aren’t worth being loved by the one who created everything. you must get your spiritual life in check before you can ever get happy permanently.

3. see the good: times of singleness can be extremely difficult. but the world should not be your idol. they should not determine your worth. others relationships shouldn’t determine the length of your singleness. See the good that is in front of you. We disguise the good with anxiety and impatience because we are used to running to it. Change your habits and be thankful for the time you have that you can use to grow with God. And mature in your faith.

Times are tough. I completely understand. But for me right now, I have to quit being hard on myself. I have to quit finding worth in the boys I like or love in relationships. because I will continue to feel empty every time.

God’s love is forever. Grow in him and watch your dreams become reality. you’re worth more than you think.

do you ever just wake up in the morning and feel the winter sun on your face? as if even the trees are bringing light to you.

we are two days away from Christmas. the holiday that most mistake it for presents.

yet, for Christians. The word CHRIST in CHRISTmas is the importance of it all.

I’m not gonna lie when I say ever since Thanksgiving I have been in a mental battle. a tough one. one that I seem to be losing to.

my mind is a battlefield. and here lately I’ve been at war.

i am trying not to look back but seeing Snapchat memories, food posts, and everything in between causes me to regret recovery at times. not that I am not extremely thankful cause God totally saved me from near death with my ED. But I miss the old body. like not 2018 body, but 2019. the one where I still got applauded for being the skinny girl but didn’t look like an anorexic skeleton.

I try not to hold onto these memories because along with this 2019 look, I was bound by fear and guilt of eating a few more bites. yet here lately I find myself missing those habits for the fact that I knew I was still tiny and had not gained weight then.

we all treat gaining weight as a sin. when in reality, it’s a sign that we are growing and are maturing into young individuals. I wish my mind could just process what my heart wants it to.

I want to be done. I want to eat whatever and not worry about calories or working out or gaining love handles. I wish I didn’t care, but God made me where I do. And there has to be a reason for that.

I know there is. Yet not knowing that reason doesn’t seem to ease my brain. It’s quite literally exhausted.

I’m writing this to not inform you for self-pity. I’m not a person who enjoys getting sympathy from others. Yet I will say this…. I pray any thing I write helps someone out there feel less alone- ED or not.

Holidays are tough. Extremely tough. Family members are reminded of loss loved ones. Food can be a trigger for most. It’s a difficult time.

But also a beautiful time. So make sure to focus on the good. A new year is coming. Rather it consists of masks & a new person in office or a vaccine & unity…. we made it through 2020. We will make it through these holidays. And we will keep pushing forward.

never looking back. Because the past is gone but we have a future to better ourselves-mentally & physically.

as I lie awake thinking over the past few weeks, months, & even year… I can’t help but wonder am I doing it all right.

day after day I engage in a checklist for myself. my mind is built on routine and order. yet how did I not tally in a global pandemic, deaths, & a few heartbreaks?!

life is so indecisive. it tricks us into thinking we have it all together… and right when we begin to acknowledge the sense of control… poof. it vanishes.

here lately, I’ve been struggling. stressed. and feeling just uneasy.

maybe it’s the pandemic and adjusting to this new form of life as we know it. maybe it’s the loss of close friends. maybe it’s bad body image days. or maybe it’s relationships not going as planned.

I could list a million maybes but the truth is I don’t know why I have been stressed. there are many factors that could be obvious stress factors, yet I can’t pin point just one.

my time to reflect on my feelings is early in the morning on my back porch with a pin and journal in my hand. that’s where I dig to the core and figure out the real reason I am experiencing so many troubled emotions.

yet here lately I’ve been so busy in my habits. my habits that have consumed my life. the habits that although relieve stress, they also add tons more of it.

my habits consist of working out, controlling food intake/nutrition of it, studying over excessively, cooking wayyy too much, but above all WORRYING. ik, it’s the obvious reaction to something going wrong. I do it constantly.

The truth is…Our habits define our whole lives. The moment we develop a habit-that’s the moment we become attached to it. It’s the moment we fully commit to a new pattern.

But our habits shouldn’t be based off of our humanly perspective. We shouldn’t run to things that make us feel temporarily filled and then leave us feeling empty. we should run to the God who fills us completely up-eternally.

the only way to experience pure joy and peace is through the one who knows every thought we think and every feeling we feel. our only savior from the storm.

Just be still and know that he is there for you.

You’re doing great, darling. Give yourself grace. You cannot prevent tomorrow, just embrace today.

 

 

alright before I start… I was wondering what y’all would think about me doing a few VIDEO BLOGS from time to time? Leave some comments below and let me know!!

i know I haven’t writen in F O R E V E R. but this world keeps me so busy.

alright yall… so sometimes(idk about y’all) but I  feel as if I’m stuck in one place. Not moving at all. I feel as if I’m the only person going through things. I have one bad thought and this one thought can’t seem to leave and it just stays there.

i have learned a lot about myself good and bad this past year, one thing I learned was that I am a very self- controlled person. Like I said GOOD OR BAD?!!!

well this trait that I seem to have been born with;/ is complicated. i am always a planned, organized kid… but also this trait seems to add so so so much more worry, fear, and discomfort to my life. I worry about the littlest things… like well if I eat this right now, I will want something later and don’t need to eat both things? like yeah I know crazy … but ya know that’s me and God created us in our own unique way.

I notice sometimes I try to stay so balanced with everything in my life, that I end up ruining a certain thing that is important to me or I have a setback in my life.

the hardest part of my whole battle was trying so hard to get back when all I wanted to do was stay in my set ways. I went along with… yeah I need to gain weight, yeah I need to chill out, yeah I will stop worrying about that. But you can’t help how you were made. I didn’t want to gain weight(no matter how miserable in my own skin I was), I didn’t want to chill out(control wouldn’t let me), and let’s be legit… I will never stop worrying ;/

during my battle, there was one word I just wanted to be. FEARLESS. it sounds so easy, yet it is so impossible to be. I longed for the day I would be fearless and free from all the worrying and stress. My mind doesn’t stop. but like I said that is how I was made.

so there came a point in my life where I wasn’t just tired of fighting. I was so tired of it all. The comments everyone made about how I looked. The worry that if I didn’t get my ab workout or mile in I would suddenly appear less fit. The struggle of trying to stay in my habits and routines. This all made me mentally/emotionally exhausted. it made me feel crazy.

I still have those days. You think you can forever be healed. But darling… there is no such thing. We are all ticking clocks, just trying to get to the next hour. My life is a struggle. It’s messy. It’s filled BEYOND with worry and stress. All I can think half the time is what/when am I gonna eat next. My life is by no means perfect. Some days are harder than others. But IT IS LIFE.

the real question I ask myself is should I stay or should I go? Should I stay and just continue feeling unworthy of love, feeling beyond stressed, feeling fat, feeling different than my friends. Or should I go? Go and try my best to be happy. Understand that I will have horrible days that make me want to lay down and give up, and just cry. Understand that my life will never be perfect. That I will always struggle with stress, doubt, anxiety, self-love.

So should I stay or should I go?

As hard as it is for me, I should go. God did not place us on this earth to hate ourselves. He placed us on this earth for one reason…. to live and be the light to everyone for as long as we can. I will have horrible, stressful, cry baby days…. but I will also have beautiful, happy, “I look and feel good” days. It’s what life is. The only way we can get out and actually survive this roller coaster-mentally, is to pray. To pray for calmness and to be vulnerable. Express our feelings. Don’t hide behind your problems…. share them. Help others through them.

 

I know I am not crazy… yet some days, I wake up and feel absolutely insane. I feel alone. I feel unworthy. I feel like I’ll never get a boyfriend who i truely love… cause it’s so hard for me to love myself.

but those are the thoughts we tell. We express our feelings about them. And we get through it.

People ask me why would you ever want to work out again or run or eat healthy? but what people do not get is that… I still enjoy these things. I hated the outcome and the severeness and stress it brought, but before I went through that.. I loved it. I enjoyed listening to my music while jogging, or making delicious healthy foods and feeling so refreshed after eating them. being set in your ways is not always a horrible thing. You just have to learn how to control it- how to balance these hobbies out.

God is always with us… even on our worst days. He loves us even when we feel unloveable. We are humans. We make mistakes. We are not crazy. well let’s admit it… we all are a little crazy.😉

lets all come together and lean on each other during our hard times. spread happiness and don’t let one rough thought ruin your whole day. God has big things in store for you!

I’m writing this. many months after my last blog. Life has been busy.. well it was until about 2 weeks ago.

the Corona virus outbreak has affected so many lives. some worse than others. this tragic pandemic has taken money, special memories, and worst of all, lives.

I’ve not wrote in a while because like I said life has been BUSY. school was nonstop. I have felt a lot better here lately. I’ve started enjoying working out… the right way. Eating enough and not overdoing it. I’ve finally felt like myself. a few times here and there I will have a mental breakdown and completely freak out over certain foods or stress… but it’s few and far between.

life was busy. it was hectic. I had to relearn a new routine coming back from Christmas break. i was anxious a lot. nervous. staying up writing essays and studying so late I could barely function the next day.

but the pandemic took over.

slowly but surely this virus has spread from state to state and country to country. will it ever stop? we all lately have been asking ourselves this question.

if you struggle with any sort of anxiety, this “not knowing stage” is literally frying your brain cells. you feel lost. stressed. and out of routine. You might be tired 24/7 from not doing anything all day. You might eat all day and regret it at night. You might stay on the treadmill all day because the fact of being out of routine scares you more than the virus itself does.

all of these feelings are normal. mental disorder or not.

this phase of life is frightening. our minds are on strike. but there is one thing I’ve learned during this time….

we all need to slow down. rest is needed. God is our rock. We must hold onto him during these hard times. Rather you are fighting for your life or just trying to remain sane in this quarantined time, lean on God.

and SLEEP IN. EAT SNACKS. EXERCISE. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. Just slow down and may we never forget what this tragic outbreak has taught us-never take anything for granted.

My prayers, thoughts, etc. are with you all in this hard time. I, myself, have had trouble adjusting to the “new normal.” But we will survive this.

be kind. be safe. and be humble in everything you do.

God bless you all.

hey fam. I’ve not wrote in a while but here’s a little update on my crazy life;)

school has returned from Christmas break and has really taken a toll on me. I say this by no means to brag or anything, I’m #1 in my class. I have been since I’ve been at the high school. Although this is a great accomplishment that I am super proud of… that rank is starting to control my life.

Usually when one hears that I’m #1, they would think I wouldn’t have to stress about grades… but instead I’m the opposite. I put 10x more stress and anxiety and worry on myself that I am beginning to lose sleep and barely even associate with my friends and family.

I’m not quite sure what being #1 proves to myself. I don’t know if it takes control of the fear of being a failure or if it just gives me the approval that I’m enough.

My mind is eccentric. It’s confusing for others to understand. I wish sometimes I could just turn off my anxiety and fear and make myself not care… but God didn’t make me that way. He made me in this way for a reason, a purpose.

I am the one that goes above and beyond for everything. But also I wear myself out and will push myself way too much with no rest.

I am not sure if the reason I’ve been so exhausted and mentally unstable is because I’ve not had any nights to just be at home and chill. I’ve been at a game, physical therapy,etc everyday of the week and not home till late. I am a human who loves and craves routine and when I’m out of my routine… I feel lost.

Studying and school work takes the stress of ranks away… I thought. But actually being #1 takes more from me than it gives me. I am losing the fun years of my life to studying and I’m gaining a rank number in the class. It doesn’t add up does it?

Some people say well stop. Stop studying. Stop stressing. But as someone who struggles a lot with anxiety and control, it’s nearly impossible to just stop. I feel insane when I’m not in my routine studying but also I feel insane when I’m this mentally exhausted.

I’ve barely associated with my family or friends this semester. I’ve barely had time to journal or read my Bible. I’m behind on all my tv shows that I watch with my mom bc I’m usually studying when my mom watches them(even tho she always ask me if I want to come watch them). I feel guilty for being grouchy yet also I’m so stressed and my mind is so busy that I can’t keep up that I get annoyed at everything around me.

this life is hard. I, at the moment, don’t know what to do to silence those “you have to study or you will fail” voices in my head. But what I do know is this…. God wouldn’t give me these battles(mentally) and this anxiety if he didn’t know I could defeat it. So yes I am confused on how to slow my mind down from stress, but also I still feel safe knowing I have a God so wonderful to help me through.

So here’s a tip… even if you’re the “best”, if this rank in your life is causing you to lose all of the things you love about life… ditch it. Forget the rank. forget about what people will think when you are no longer #1. live your life for you.

I’ll never get these years back. So why should I waste them in my own head instead of spending them with my favorite people and having the time of my life?! Exactly. I shouldn’t.

live it up. forget the failure or approval from others. If you fall, God will pick you back up. you have a purpose.

hey fam. I’m back.

life’s been pretty great here lately, I’ve been trying my best to challenge myself with new, out of my comfort zone foods. It’s been hard but I know it’s getting me closer and closer to the finish line of recovery.

i have worked out a lot here lately. I’m becoming addicted again. The intensity of each mountain climber and watching the treadmill’s time go longer and longer. It’s addicting for me. At one time, this was all I felt I had to live. Deep down, it’s what caused

me to nearly die. Crazy how our minds work.

with school ending for break(THANK THE LORD) and me being at home a lot… the thoughts are coming back. The “i have to’s”:

I have to workout to look good or to eat this dessert. I have to workout because I won’t be home this week to do it any and if I don’t workout 3x a week(my limit from my nutritionist), I will never get the body I desire.

Well the truth is. My body doesn’t desire abs. It doesn’t desire worrying about what time I will be home from a lunch date to workout. my body doesn’t care about any of that. All it cares about is living.

My eating disorder tricked me. It made me think that eating healthy and working out consistently is life. It deprived me of social outings, family events, and everyday life things. It took my fear and caused me to be completely and utterly scared of losing this “life” my ED made.

I’m having to try and rewrite what life means to me-ever since control took my version of it and flipped it upside down.

It’s complicated. I feel lost half the time, and the other half I feel like I have everything together.

Tonight was an eye opener, as I sat here thinking/stressing about when I could get home to workout tomorrow. I decided that I can’t keep doing it. I need to take a break to help my self remember what life is without all the health.

I was reading my Bible and in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 , it says “Therefore we do not give up. Even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is seen is eternal.”

I can’t give up. my outer self might be looking “better” as ED calls it-but it’s destroying my inner self. the over excessive workouts that are bringing me back to life are really bringing me back to committing to my ED. but I can’t give up fighting. for what is seen is temporary-my body. It’s temporary. But what’s on the inside is what matters.

My heart: When God looks at my heart, he doesn’t see how many ab workouts I do or how much healthy foods I consume or how i am moving constantly. he sees my true self. the self-conscious, overwhelming, kind, troubled, worried, recovering, loving heart. The heart that is slowly but surely pulling me so far out of recovery. The heart that makes me live. that’s who I am. Not the temporary body… but the heart.

you have to detect yourself from the ED life and start living for you. it’s only way you’ll come out of this dark cycle “ALIVE”.