since I haven’t written in awhile, figured I’d get back to it.
today was one of those days, that reflect every single thing in your life.
for the past summer, I put other’s opinions, feelings, & time over my own. i became so content with being gone and running the roads that being actually at home and having free time felt foreign.
I began to lose who I was. I stared at the mirror and all I could see was brokenness. i hated how I looked and I hated the situations going on in my life. nothing seemed right. i felt I was steadily changing by the world’s opinion. like certain people defined me.. which they do not.
school returned and life began even more busy than it was. but I have began to start living for me. not everyone else. and the joy of that is incomparable. have I lost and let go of certain people to better myself? yes. have I held onto people who push me to do better? yes. is everyday easy? heck no. matter of fact today I’m smiling and a week ago I was bawling my eyes out to my mom saying I couldn’t deal w everything anymore. & that’s exactly what life is. ups and downs.
today, while at the gym. I had a different feeling. not the usual “good” feeling when exercising. i couldn’t help but smile just realizing the growth and happiness that has grown over the past 4 years. I never thought I’d be that girl looking in the mirror.
the stress. breakdowns. many tears. constant doctor appointments. a million nights laying awake until the sun rose again just to wake up and do it again. the girl who never saw the light. the one who prayed every single night to one day feel some sort of peace. happiness. the happiness I once knew of. thinking I was just different and that i would never actually grow into the girl I am today.
then. I never saw that girl in the mirror. I prayed for her. every single day. I just wanted more than anything for her to eventually reappear someday. I just prayed she wasn’t too far gone.
God answers prayers. in our hardest moments, he hears us. I never knew he heard me. I never knew anyone was there when I was crying out for help. But God was.
we base our lives off of our actions. we think we can handle everything alone. but maybe the reason you aren’t growing is your not capable of fighting your battles on your own. but with God you can beat any obstacle.
so give your problems to him. he’s about the only thing that can save us at this point. our world is a mess. We are a mess. But he is still. in the midst of all of the chaos. “He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.”
I pray for your future self staring in the mirror. I pray you look back and smile like I did today. Cause everyone deserves to feel happy. Not because of a relationship, a certain weight on the scale, compliments from others…. Just genuinely happy within yourself.
let go of what’s holding you back from all of that. and grow into the person you pray for every night.
kenzi’s blog 