kenzi’s blog

growing up, as most of you know, I was the full of life kid. never a dull moment. always happy. but I always stressed far more beyond my years. I always worried ab grades, what other people thought, etc.

in January of 2017, I started a resolution that changed my life forever for the better & worse. I made myself get up everyday and do a mile. let me remind you, I had wisdom teeth removed, strep, many late nights, salmonella, etc. during this year. it became an obsession. the control I had over my body & it’s health.

in January of 2018, I continued my resolution. however towards the end of 2017, I started incorporating healthy food & calorie deficit meals. I searched on social media ways to look good. I idolized famous people’s bodies. I did it all. I was addicted and no one could make me do any otherwise. believe me, my parents tried to get me to stop. it just was a mind game. I mentally could not.

I cut back majorly on foods. I watched and counted every calorie that went into my mouth. I did it all. and I was completely miserable in my own skin.

In may of 2018, I weighed 84 lbs. for a 5’6, 15 year old girl, that was not okay. at all. I weighed myself constantly. it was more of a mind battle that I had to fit in to be enough. that I had to be like the “idols” to be enough. it was an inner desire of control that made me so mentally ill. My family caught on long before but just like any parent, they tried so hard to help. But when someone doesn’t want help, they don’t accept and get it.

I went to the doctor in May, and of course, we got the answer that was always a burden in the room- “you’re daughter is diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa- an eating disorder.” We all knew it. But the fact that even the doctors could classify it scared me. But not in the way you would think. I had trained my mind for years to only think two things: workout & eat less. I know. Social media is not always true. I didn’t want to give that up. It was my life. But something had to change. I remember my family giving me the worst talk I’ve ever received on my couch one evening. That I needed to either try and fight it or I would have to move to Dallas, TX for 6 weeks and live in a facility where they would pump me with fluids through a tube. I told them I would not go. I would try for them. no matter how hard it was.

My family made me go to a therapist. and as much as I was against it, she changed my life. On my first visit, that was the first smile I had shown my parents in 6 months. I felt like me in some odd way. I felt like I actually was worth saving. I also attended a nutritionist, but of course I didn’t enjoy this visit as much because she made me change my old habits. But oh how thankful I am for them both now.

Since then. I still attend a therapist. Not much for eating and working out but mostly for my anxiety… and I’ll be honest. I love her so much, I don’t quite wanna give up seeing her just yet ahahha!! she’s one of my best friends and biggest role models.

there have been endless moments of breakdowns. my family walking in bawling over how much I looked like a skeleton. screaming sessions over literally a slice of pizza. it’s been the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced in my lifetime. there have been days I feel like me again and there have been days I feel like I’m living in a stranger’s skin.

but I’ve fought. too hard. I’ve shared my story with all of you. I’ve let y’all in on a very hard, but vulnerable obstacle this life has thrown at me. not for sympathy, but for understanding and hopefully help to some of you who struggle also.

so I just want to say thank you. to every single person out there who supported me. the truth is. I never believed I would be “me” again. I just believed that the 2018 girl was gonna have to stick. but I’m telling you this right now. Don’t settle for less. Not with relationships and definitely not with yourself.

random people asks me all the time… “do you wish you could change all of it and never go through it?” And my answer still remains the same on good and bad days. No. because the people I have helped and the way I have found my happiness and myself has given me the strongest hope in God, biggest reward out of life, and even far more beyond that.

I know these days can be so hard. but there is ALWAYS light at the end of a dark tunnel.

I’m thankful to say that these struggles have been a lot less difficult now days and I am no longer a statistic on the eating disorder chart. I am beyond thankful for this growth & happiness I’m finally experiencing.

I understand many struggle, but please take my story as a way to keep fighting. to try to keep finding the best version of yourself- the happier version. I understand you feel alone at times. but I hope my story has made you feel like you aren’t struggling by yourself.

just please keep the Faith. share your story. and help another human like you.

we are all in this together.❤️

never give up.