do you ever just wake up in the morning and feel the winter sun on your face? as if even the trees are bringing light to you.
we are two days away from Christmas. the holiday that most mistake it for presents.
yet, for Christians. The word CHRIST in CHRISTmas is the importance of it all.
I’m not gonna lie when I say ever since Thanksgiving I have been in a mental battle. a tough one. one that I seem to be losing to.
my mind is a battlefield. and here lately I’ve been at war.
i am trying not to look back but seeing Snapchat memories, food posts, and everything in between causes me to regret recovery at times. not that I am not extremely thankful cause God totally saved me from near death with my ED. But I miss the old body. like not 2018 body, but 2019. the one where I still got applauded for being the skinny girl but didn’t look like an anorexic skeleton.
I try not to hold onto these memories because along with this 2019 look, I was bound by fear and guilt of eating a few more bites. yet here lately I find myself missing those habits for the fact that I knew I was still tiny and had not gained weight then.
we all treat gaining weight as a sin. when in reality, it’s a sign that we are growing and are maturing into young individuals. I wish my mind could just process what my heart wants it to.
I want to be done. I want to eat whatever and not worry about calories or working out or gaining love handles. I wish I didn’t care, but God made me where I do. And there has to be a reason for that.
I know there is. Yet not knowing that reason doesn’t seem to ease my brain. It’s quite literally exhausted.
I’m writing this to not inform you for self-pity. I’m not a person who enjoys getting sympathy from others. Yet I will say this…. I pray any thing I write helps someone out there feel less alone- ED or not.
Holidays are tough. Extremely tough. Family members are reminded of loss loved ones. Food can be a trigger for most. It’s a difficult time.
But also a beautiful time. So make sure to focus on the good. A new year is coming. Rather it consists of masks & a new person in office or a vaccine & unity…. we made it through 2020. We will make it through these holidays. And we will keep pushing forward.
never looking back. Because the past is gone but we have a future to better ourselves-mentally & physically.
kenzi’s blog 