kenzi’s blog

 

 

alright before I start… I was wondering what y’all would think about me doing a few VIDEO BLOGS from time to time? Leave some comments below and let me know!!

i know I haven’t writen in F O R E V E R. but this world keeps me so busy.

alright yall… so sometimes(idk about y’all) but I  feel as if I’m stuck in one place. Not moving at all. I feel as if I’m the only person going through things. I have one bad thought and this one thought can’t seem to leave and it just stays there.

i have learned a lot about myself good and bad this past year, one thing I learned was that I am a very self- controlled person. Like I said GOOD OR BAD?!!!

well this trait that I seem to have been born with;/ is complicated. i am always a planned, organized kid… but also this trait seems to add so so so much more worry, fear, and discomfort to my life. I worry about the littlest things… like well if I eat this right now, I will want something later and don’t need to eat both things? like yeah I know crazy … but ya know that’s me and God created us in our own unique way.

I notice sometimes I try to stay so balanced with everything in my life, that I end up ruining a certain thing that is important to me or I have a setback in my life.

the hardest part of my whole battle was trying so hard to get back when all I wanted to do was stay in my set ways. I went along with… yeah I need to gain weight, yeah I need to chill out, yeah I will stop worrying about that. But you can’t help how you were made. I didn’t want to gain weight(no matter how miserable in my own skin I was), I didn’t want to chill out(control wouldn’t let me), and let’s be legit… I will never stop worrying ;/

during my battle, there was one word I just wanted to be. FEARLESS. it sounds so easy, yet it is so impossible to be. I longed for the day I would be fearless and free from all the worrying and stress. My mind doesn’t stop. but like I said that is how I was made.

so there came a point in my life where I wasn’t just tired of fighting. I was so tired of it all. The comments everyone made about how I looked. The worry that if I didn’t get my ab workout or mile in I would suddenly appear less fit. The struggle of trying to stay in my habits and routines. This all made me mentally/emotionally exhausted. it made me feel crazy.

I still have those days. You think you can forever be healed. But darling… there is no such thing. We are all ticking clocks, just trying to get to the next hour. My life is a struggle. It’s messy. It’s filled BEYOND with worry and stress. All I can think half the time is what/when am I gonna eat next. My life is by no means perfect. Some days are harder than others. But IT IS LIFE.

the real question I ask myself is should I stay or should I go? Should I stay and just continue feeling unworthy of love, feeling beyond stressed, feeling fat, feeling different than my friends. Or should I go? Go and try my best to be happy. Understand that I will have horrible days that make me want to lay down and give up, and just cry. Understand that my life will never be perfect. That I will always struggle with stress, doubt, anxiety, self-love.

So should I stay or should I go?

As hard as it is for me, I should go. God did not place us on this earth to hate ourselves. He placed us on this earth for one reason…. to live and be the light to everyone for as long as we can. I will have horrible, stressful, cry baby days…. but I will also have beautiful, happy, “I look and feel good” days. It’s what life is. The only way we can get out and actually survive this roller coaster-mentally, is to pray. To pray for calmness and to be vulnerable. Express our feelings. Don’t hide behind your problems…. share them. Help others through them.

 

I know I am not crazy… yet some days, I wake up and feel absolutely insane. I feel alone. I feel unworthy. I feel like I’ll never get a boyfriend who i truely love… cause it’s so hard for me to love myself.

but those are the thoughts we tell. We express our feelings about them. And we get through it.

People ask me why would you ever want to work out again or run or eat healthy? but what people do not get is that… I still enjoy these things. I hated the outcome and the severeness and stress it brought, but before I went through that.. I loved it. I enjoyed listening to my music while jogging, or making delicious healthy foods and feeling so refreshed after eating them. being set in your ways is not always a horrible thing. You just have to learn how to control it- how to balance these hobbies out.

God is always with us… even on our worst days. He loves us even when we feel unloveable. We are humans. We make mistakes. We are not crazy. well let’s admit it… we all are a little crazy.😉

lets all come together and lean on each other during our hard times. spread happiness and don’t let one rough thought ruin your whole day. God has big things in store for you!