hey fam. I’ve not wrote in a while but here’s a little update on my crazy life;)
school has returned from Christmas break and has really taken a toll on me. I say this by no means to brag or anything, I’m #1 in my class. I have been since I’ve been at the high school. Although this is a great accomplishment that I am super proud of… that rank is starting to control my life.
Usually when one hears that I’m #1, they would think I wouldn’t have to stress about grades… but instead I’m the opposite. I put 10x more stress and anxiety and worry on myself that I am beginning to lose sleep and barely even associate with my friends and family.
I’m not quite sure what being #1 proves to myself. I don’t know if it takes control of the fear of being a failure or if it just gives me the approval that I’m enough.
My mind is eccentric. It’s confusing for others to understand. I wish sometimes I could just turn off my anxiety and fear and make myself not care… but God didn’t make me that way. He made me in this way for a reason, a purpose.
I am the one that goes above and beyond for everything. But also I wear myself out and will push myself way too much with no rest.
I am not sure if the reason I’ve been so exhausted and mentally unstable is because I’ve not had any nights to just be at home and chill. I’ve been at a game, physical therapy,etc everyday of the week and not home till late. I am a human who loves and craves routine and when I’m out of my routine… I feel lost.
Studying and school work takes the stress of ranks away… I thought. But actually being #1 takes more from me than it gives me. I am losing the fun years of my life to studying and I’m gaining a rank number in the class. It doesn’t add up does it?
Some people say well stop. Stop studying. Stop stressing. But as someone who struggles a lot with anxiety and control, it’s nearly impossible to just stop. I feel insane when I’m not in my routine studying but also I feel insane when I’m this mentally exhausted.
I’ve barely associated with my family or friends this semester. I’ve barely had time to journal or read my Bible. I’m behind on all my tv shows that I watch with my mom bc I’m usually studying when my mom watches them(even tho she always ask me if I want to come watch them). I feel guilty for being grouchy yet also I’m so stressed and my mind is so busy that I can’t keep up that I get annoyed at everything around me.
this life is hard. I, at the moment, don’t know what to do to silence those “you have to study or you will fail” voices in my head. But what I do know is this…. God wouldn’t give me these battles(mentally) and this anxiety if he didn’t know I could defeat it. So yes I am confused on how to slow my mind down from stress, but also I still feel safe knowing I have a God so wonderful to help me through.
So here’s a tip… even if you’re the “best”, if this rank in your life is causing you to lose all of the things you love about life… ditch it. Forget the rank. forget about what people will think when you are no longer #1. live your life for you.
I’ll never get these years back. So why should I waste them in my own head instead of spending them with my favorite people and having the time of my life?! Exactly. I shouldn’t.
live it up. forget the failure or approval from others. If you fall, God will pick you back up. you have a purpose.
kenzi’s blog 