kenzi’s blog

hey fam. I’m back.

life’s been pretty great here lately, I’ve been trying my best to challenge myself with new, out of my comfort zone foods. It’s been hard but I know it’s getting me closer and closer to the finish line of recovery.

i have worked out a lot here lately. I’m becoming addicted again. The intensity of each mountain climber and watching the treadmill’s time go longer and longer. It’s addicting for me. At one time, this was all I felt I had to live. Deep down, it’s what caused

me to nearly die. Crazy how our minds work.

with school ending for break(THANK THE LORD) and me being at home a lot… the thoughts are coming back. The “i have to’s”:

I have to workout to look good or to eat this dessert. I have to workout because I won’t be home this week to do it any and if I don’t workout 3x a week(my limit from my nutritionist), I will never get the body I desire.

Well the truth is. My body doesn’t desire abs. It doesn’t desire worrying about what time I will be home from a lunch date to workout. my body doesn’t care about any of that. All it cares about is living.

My eating disorder tricked me. It made me think that eating healthy and working out consistently is life. It deprived me of social outings, family events, and everyday life things. It took my fear and caused me to be completely and utterly scared of losing this “life” my ED made.

I’m having to try and rewrite what life means to me-ever since control took my version of it and flipped it upside down.

It’s complicated. I feel lost half the time, and the other half I feel like I have everything together.

Tonight was an eye opener, as I sat here thinking/stressing about when I could get home to workout tomorrow. I decided that I can’t keep doing it. I need to take a break to help my self remember what life is without all the health.

I was reading my Bible and in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 , it says “Therefore we do not give up. Even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is seen is eternal.”

I can’t give up. my outer self might be looking “better” as ED calls it-but it’s destroying my inner self. the over excessive workouts that are bringing me back to life are really bringing me back to committing to my ED. but I can’t give up fighting. for what is seen is temporary-my body. It’s temporary. But what’s on the inside is what matters.

My heart: When God looks at my heart, he doesn’t see how many ab workouts I do or how much healthy foods I consume or how i am moving constantly. he sees my true self. the self-conscious, overwhelming, kind, troubled, worried, recovering, loving heart. The heart that is slowly but surely pulling me so far out of recovery. The heart that makes me live. that’s who I am. Not the temporary body… but the heart.

you have to detect yourself from the ED life and start living for you. it’s only way you’ll come out of this dark cycle “ALIVE”.