the thoughts run high… the voices never stop. the annoying self doubt stays with you like a leach.
you try to shake the feeling but end up going further and further into the cycle. others don’t get it. you have to go through it to understand the complications and struggles within this disorder. family outings are no longer a gift but instead a punishment. watching tv is no longer a lazy day but instead a chore. eating is no longer a fuel for the body but instead your whole world.
Eating disorders develop over periods of time. I blame it on today’s society. The way we have such high expectations for everyone. These expectations cause the lost to become even more lost and the okay to become feeling worthless.
Fifteen years. That’s how long I’ve dealt with this eating disorder. Maybe not exactly that long. But basically my whole life I have. Just not to the extreme it has developed into.
Here’s how it happens:
1) we watch adults and friends diet and try to lose weight
2) we hear others complain about their weight causing us to think we are fat
3) we forget what it’s like to have a healthy relationship with our bodies
4) we try and fight the battle without help, which leads us further into the depths of this disorder
i remember the times I would sit and it would hurt so badly due to the lack of muscle missing. i remember the times when I would wake up at 4:00am to get a workout in, secretly, before my family would get up-because I knew they would say I’m too skinny and didn’t need to be working out. i remember the times when people would look at my 85 lbs self and tell me I’m too skinny and ashamed of myself, I would still take it as a compliment. I was blind. this illness/mind battle/lifestyle (whatever you may call it) causes you to become blind.
But there is one thing that I didn’t know when I was 85 lbs. My body still deserves love. I’m not the one to blame. And i one day will feel better and be healed. So I’m saying this to you- I didn’t write this for everyone to be shocked and feel bad about this post. I didn’t write this for everyone to be informed what an eating disorder is. I wrote this for All of you who is struggling right now. Don’t give in to the depths of this disorder. Don’t hate your self. Don’t blame yourself. I’m right there with you and I get it feels nearly impossible to be healed. It feels impossible to have good days. But eventually your time will come when you feel as if you finally can breathe. Just don’t surrender to this cycle. Because once you do… you will have to repeat everything all over again. And it’s not worth it. You deserve to enjoy your life instead of being a slave to food and control. Instead… take control of your life. You can do this. don’t look back… darling, if you do, you will fall. look forward towards recovery. it’s calling your name.
kenzi’s blog 