hey friends!!! it’s been a while!
i am writing this to you as I travel back from Colorado to Kansas to see my family.
IT’S THANKSGIVING BREAK!!! HOW EXCITING IS THAT?!! A break from school, work, a week to just chill!
Today has been a super busy day for me though. I realized skiing is not as easy as the Pro’s make it look😉 but after falling a gazillion times, and getting a snow mobile to bring me to the bunny slopes… I mastered it. (I think😜)!
With a break from school and traveling out of state to see family, it’s exciting. But also, kinda nerve racking for me.
The first thing you think of with Thanksgiving is food. All the junk food and pies and turkey and dressing. Everything that is so hard for me to eat😅
I still have so much weight to gain. So you would think it would be easy to just smash as much as I can on these junk foods to help the scales rise. But that comes with a lot of free-will. Something I tend to not give myself a lot.
as spontaneous and last minute as this trip was, it made my planning-self anxious. the time was rushed to pack and control had the perfect time to take over.
although the packing and getting to Denver wasn’t hard, the food kinda has been for me. I’m in such a difficult, mixed-emotions point in my life. One moment I’m down with stuffing my face full of pizza and the other moment I’m in complete regret and restricting myself of everything I place in my mouth. It’s complicated… it’s just my mind. It’s wired so differently.
today I know I burned so many calories, yet when I ate more than was required(in my head), the immediate emotion sunk in. Regret. Fear. Stress.
It’s hard to deal with because it is hard to control it for me, since I’m so bound in being controlled. On this trip, I didn’t have a chance to really get prepared.
It’s hard when I go somewhere and I don’t have a safety net with me. (Or in other words, something I love that makes me feel safe).
Usually my safety net is healthy food, exercise, and/or routine.
You might say this…”well you really have all 3 with you.” And yes you are right, but it’s not like that. It’s complicated. I’m not able to just start cooking or go for a jog and I’m definitely not in any sort of routine this week. This causes me to stress. I’ve even been stressing about when I can get to Walmart because I’m so nervous of what food will be at my family’s house(will it be healthy??) crazy right?! I know. But it’s my mind and God made me this way for a reason.
i was writing in my journal and I realized something. So these past few mornings I’ve been so anxious to wake up(causing me to barely get sleep) so I could make my breakfast. It’s been weird. It’s not like the breakfast is going anywhere😂but it’s just a feeling I can’t seem to shed. But I have realized it. It’s control trying to bring me to my safety net. It’s missing the routine. I get it, but it still doesn’t change the fact that it’s not helping me, but instead hurting me.
This is where I come to the decision. I either keep on keeping on and everyday, pray about it and try to change the fearful thoughts into fearless thoughts… or I give up. I stop time. I decide to just let control take me back into the cycle. The eat less/exercise more/stress more cycle. The one that led me to be 85 lbs last year. The cycle that hurt me and my family and almost cost me my life.
No thought should be worth more than my happiness. Today I skied, and failed many times. But I didn’t give up. And that is one thing that will not change either. I will not repeat the cycle. I will not let control win. I will never stop trying to get to the end of this road called recovery. It’s the only way we survive.
A lot of us think the easy path is the best path. But if I would have chose the easy path, I wouldn’t be where I am today. The harder path takes so much longer… but is so much better in the end.
So if y’all don’t mind… pray for me. I need prayers everyday to help gain control of my body again. But let’s be legit, God is the number one controller. We are just his sidekicks😜
I pray everyone chooses to spend this week in whatever way that brings them joy and glory to God.
This year, I am thankful for where I am at this exact moment in my life. These struggles. Because each struggle is one step closer to getting my life back… and what’s more amazing than that? 🤩
Choose to see the good. Be thankful. And don’t ever give up. That is one thing you won’t regret.
kenzi’s blog 