hey everyone, I haven’t wrote in a while.. and I wanted to give y’all an update.
these last few moments, there’s been some pretty exciting changes in my life…
i went to the nutritionist and I was told if I changed my eating habits(more carbs) … we would talk about getting to work out.
You might ask why in the world I would want to work out and go back there? Why would I want to put myself through that again? “If you’re supposed to be gaining weight, then eat all the time and don’t burn off those calories and there ya go”. But I am not like everyone else. Working out/healthy food has become a huge part of my life. If you take it away, it’s like taking away My breath. And I’ll eventually run out of air without it. I love the active lifestyle. I’m not someone who enjoys laying in bed all morning and watching movies. I enjoy being on the go and staying busy. I enjoy routines.
to me it’s not going back… it means getting to enjoy that hobby and love I have for exercising and feeling toned. I’m weak. If you know me then you know I literally have no strength what so ever. That was never my intention though: to get weak and put my body through so much… my intention was to get toned and have that dream body and feel good about myself and live a healthier, active lifestyle.
But let’s be honest. Dream Bodies do not exist. There is no such thing. Regardless of how good you look, your mind will always point out at least one flaw on your skin.
So…. I’m trying. I’m trying to get back to the place where I am in a stable mindset and where I am finally in control of my life again. I went back to the nutritionist and I’m able to workout 3x a week. And I forgot how much I missed it. The sound of the treadmill. The high intensity ab workouts. I’ve missed it all. Because it’s my lifeline. But what I never realized was that when I eat more, i am more happy. I am more enjoyable with my family.
Getting to work out is gonna be amazing… it already is. But it’s so hard training my mind to “take a break, you don’t have to workout. Eat more so you can gain muscle” because I used to think that I had to eat less to see results from my workouts. But I literally was quite wrong. It’s the opposite.
I’m in the phase. The phase of thoughts all over the place, yet still improving in my health, but also having to retrain my thought-process and hold myself back from going full workout/obsessive mode.
as I look back at old pictures. I was a completely different human being. Before my battle with anorexia, and during it, and even now. I’m completely different. But I wouldn’t change this last year and a half for the world. Because I learn something new every single day about my life. I learn something new every single day about myself. I’ve learned how to truly care for others. How to love others, because you don’t know what others go through behind closed doors. And I’ve learned how to grasp for air-when I feel like there is no more to breathe in.
God didn’t punish me with this battle, even tho it seems worse than a punishment at times. Yet, he blessed me with it. He blesses me on the wonderful therapy sessions, when I feel I have my whole life together. And he also blesses me on the days I’m crying in doctors’ offices and feeling completely lost and ashamed of my own skin.
Because without control, health, or Him… I would be nothing.
And i wasn’t meant to be wasted space on this earth. I was meant to change the world, just like all of you. Don’t give up on yourself, all of your struggles are leading up to one amazing testimony.
kenzi’s blog 